I have been woefully remiss in blogging recently. I have all sorts of excuses ... Facebook is sucking up all my time, the holidays, the January blahs, etc. But the reality is that I've been having, in the words of my hubbie, "an existential crisis." (Yes, he really talks that way.) So, what exactly is this crisis about, you ask, ever so obligingly?
Well, the problem is, I'm a doer. If I'm not accomplishing something, I feel adrift. Now, you would think that raising three young children and managing a household would be "doing something," but apparently that's not enough for me. I've talked before about how hard the role of stay-at-home mom is. Raising the future adults of the world is really the most important job there is, but it's just that the results are not as obvious. No one gives you an "A+" or a raise if you're a good mom. My kids are too young to say, "Hey I appreciate what you do for me." Don't get me wrong. One smile or cute remark from the kidlets and it's all worth it, but somehow this doesn't always keep the existential crisis at bay.
So, back to the blogging stuff. I thought that if I put some advertising on this site, I would be able to contribute some money to the household and then feel like I was "doing something." Well, it hasn't really worked out that way and I'm realizing that that's not really what this blog about. It will always only appeal to a very short list of family, friends and fellow parents. I don't want to be contrived and start scheming of ways to drive traffic to this blog. This just gives me post traumatic stress from my days in advertising when things like "driving traffic" were utmost on my mind. Right now, my kids are utmost on my mind, and that's how I'm going to keep it.
The existential despair also stems from wanting to use my creativity in ways that matter. I love taking pictures, cooking, traveling and writing. Isn't there a way to make these things into something with tangible results that go beyond mere hobbies (as in some sort of job)? Well, the answer is, "right now, no." I barely have a spare hour in the week so embarking on these quests is pretty much out of the question. I have made a conscious decision to be home with my kids and when it comes down to it, I wouldn't want it any other way. Still ...
My mother, never the most supportive of people, called me a "dilettante" because I always seem to just dabble in this and that. Yes, it was meant as a put-down and unfortunately these words have stuck in my head. Maybe if I did something really big, I could prove to the spirit of my mom that I'm worth something. Barton says to ignore this inner critic (mom) and move on. I think I will.
Yeah! Glad to see you're back! I know what you mean about wanting to contribute. It's tough and sometimes I think about what a psychological burden it must be for our husbands to be the sole breadwinners. Seems like a lot of pressure and I'd love to be able to relieve some of that. If only I could figure out how...
Posted by: Betsy | February 02, 2009 at 12:49 PM